If you want to call in sick, you gotta be confident! Like these people!

Understanding and planning how to call in sick to school is fairly simple. Effective notices require moderate attention paid to the planning beyond the desire to have a free day. There are three very important factors to keep in mind.

First, plan your sick notice by the size and structure of your school. If your school has more than 1,200-1,500 students, the administration probably won’t care how many days you miss due to sickness, as long as you back it up with paperwork. This means putting in as much effort to forging a doctor’s note (which is a felony in some states), as you do with coming up with an adequate excuse. If you attend a smaller school, be sure to find a caller that can truly act the part. You will have more success getting your best friend to pretend they are an older sibling rather than a long lost uncle from South Africa that has a broken accent.

Second, always use the terminology of the day unless it is supported by media hype. In 2012, a good sickness to claim to be victim of would be the “nasty flu,” or a gluten reaction. It would not be appropriate to try and get away with having MRSA, or fungal meningitis contracted from steroidal injections.

Third, act confident. The last thing any school secretary wants is an argument with a family member over one kid’s sickness. Whoever inherits the job of calling in should be a natural at acting direct, matter-of-fact and purposeful. The sickness excuse should be stated to the school rather than spoken in a tone that suggests you are “asking for permission” to miss out. Call in and quickly and strongly “inform” the person who answers the phone that, “such-and-such will not be attending today!” This approach precludes the ability of the person benefiting from the day off to get their facts straight. Chances are, in a larger school they won’t be questioned anyway as long as the whole thing is confidently played out.

Schools appreciate, and have the mandate, to positively process home-directed circumstantial health issues. If you can make them believe you are really sick, they’ll want you to stay away for everyone’s sake!

Need more ideas? Check out this youtube video!